The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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