have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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