I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
