Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the liver wants what the liver wants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
