Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
did you just send me my own nude
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
