Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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