hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
