I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
