I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
