They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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