i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
