I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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