I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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