dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
