Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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