What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
