it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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