I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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