the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
