it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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