I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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