why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
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we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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