I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
