mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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