now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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