I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
