I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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