That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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