You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
