Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
