You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
