So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
