I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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