I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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