I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
