This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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