Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
