you're like a bully in the Christmas story
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm at about main and main street
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
