I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
