in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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