I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
