well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
