I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
