I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
