I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think i peed on brittanys purse
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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