ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
