i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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