I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
