omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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