Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
