my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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