If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
