he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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