I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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