So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
