wakey wakey hands off snakey
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
