If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
