Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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