I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
