Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
