Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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